You can’t make me!
I would guess that most of us understand the value of goal setting. It allows us to create a plan and get and do the things we want in this life. So why don’t we all do it? Is it the fear of failure? Is it the fear of success? Perhaps we don’t believe we deserve better health, a different job, better grades.
Sometimes it’s more complicated than those reasons. What if the goals aren’t ours? Why on earth would we want to put all that effort into achieving something that doesn’t have value to us? Is it your goal to weigh 110 pounds or is it your husband’s goal for you? Is it your goal to become a dentist or is it your wife who wants you to do that? Do you really want to become an avid reader or have you bought a bunch of books because you think it’ll impress the ladies?
Maybe I’m more stubborn than the average gal, but if it’s not my goal, I’ll do everything in my power to sabotage my efforts at achieving it. I mean, it’s almost a knee jerk reaction to say, “No” when someone makes a suggestion about something I could accomplish. My girlfriend suggested that I take up running and try a race with her. My first reaction, “Nope. Not interested. I’d rather ride my bike.” As soon as she stopped asking me to run, I decided it would be a great goal. (So I’m planning to run the Moab half marathon with her in March. Go figure.)
What are your goals that you haven’t achieved? Are they YOUR goals or someone else’s? Maybe you just think they’re someone else’s so there’s no way you’re going to achieve them. Sometimes it’s even more complicated than that because it is your husband, wife, mom, sibling, friend’s goal for you, but it’s also something that you value and want to accomplish. I really can’t explain the inner rebellion, but I know that for so many people the idea of achieving a goal to please someone else is infuriating. So how do we get past that rebellion that sabotages our own goals? Here are some things that may work.
1. Recognize that it’s there. Is it wearing on you that your husband seems more interested in your weight loss progress than you are? Maybe it is more important to him than to you. Just seeing it for what it is can be a relief.
2. Recognize that it’s not there. My girlfriend’s suggestion to start running wasn’t meant to boss me around or tell me her idea is better than mine, it was because she really enjoys it and thought it would be fun for us to do it together. In cases like that, there’s nothing to rebel against.
3. When it is there, talk to the person. Simply saying, “I know it’s important to you that I lose weight, but I need it to be my goal not yours. Will you please stop asking me about what I’m eating and how my exercise is going?” can put you back in the driver’s seat and keep you from sabotaging yourself.
4. When it is there, talk about it with someone who can help you work through it. A therapist, a neutral third party or a journal can help you work through some of those feelings of resentment. You may come to terms with the fact that your husband will derive some satisfaction from your weight loss, and that’s OK.
5. Clarify what your goal really is and go for it. Maybe you want to be healthy so you can see your grandchildren grow up. Your sister may think it’s more important to look great in a pair of jeans, but your goal may be to have healthy cholesterol levels, healthy blood sugar and be a normal BMI. You may realize that her goal for you is not your goal for yourself and that can be empowering.
6. Not sure you trust your plan? Have an expert tell you you’re on the right track. Being able to tell your sister, “Yep, my dietitian said it was OK for me to eat pie,” can keep you from second guessing yourself and feeling the need to rebel. A dietitian, therapist or mentor may help you set goals, create a plan and remind you that you’re doing the right thing.
7. Ask the person why your achieving this goal is important to them. You may think your mother’s attempts at getting you to go for a walk are so you’ll exercise more, but it may just be that she wants to spend time with you. You may think that your husband doesn’t think you’re attractive at your current weight, but he may just want you to be healthy so he can have you around longer.
May you be happy and healthy,
Regan
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