Guilty:  having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong.

Guilt:  a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some real or imagined offense, crime, wrong, etc.

Too many people I talk to about weight loss, food, body issues, disordered eating feel “guilt” after eating.  Perhaps some foods don’t induce guilt (broccoli and cabbage tend to be “guiltless” as do other cruciferous vegetables.)  But so many people I talk to  have guilt after eating ice cream or carrot cake, some people have guilt after eating fast food, others after eating meat (and not for humanitarian reasons, for “diet” reasons.)  Then there are the feelings of guilt from eating healthy foods that should be a big part of a healthy diet:  bread, pasta, dairy, fruit, nuts, avocados, carrots, corn, peas.  You name it, it makes someone feel guilty.

I’m not a priest or a therapist, but people still talk to me about their [perceived] transgressions.  I can’t change their feelings, but I can try to help them recognize what they are when it comes to food.

I understand the regret after having overeaten to the point of discomfort.  I understand the frustration at having eaten something that didn’t taste very good.   But food is amoral.  To truly heal from feeling bad about food and to get  to a healthy relationship with food, it’s necessary to find a way to untangle the thorny vines of emotions that surround food, eating and our bodies.  I’ve heard one dietitian who works with clients with eating disorders say that the feelings associated with food are already there before you start eating.  People don’t eat then feel guilty, they feel guilt (shameful, offensive, unworthy) before they eat; the food just allows those emotions to surface.  Maybe you know someone who feels guilty after spending money even if they need the item and can afford it.  Same thing, the emotion is just related to something else.

I was reading May, 2010 issue of “O” the Oprah Magazine.  Love, love, love the magazine, sometimes Oprah makes me want to staple my ears shut, but that’s beside the point.  What I came across was a column (pg. 80) by Marianne Williamson about ten ways to stay spiritually connected.  She says this,

“Forgive anyone you have not forgiven.  Whenever you withhold forgiveness, you keep yourself bound to your own feelings of guilt.”

I’m not sure this statement is sometimes true or always true, but it rang true to me.  It also reinforces the commonly held idea that forgiveness is not for the person who wronged you, forgiveness is for you and allows you to be free.  I don’t see forgiveness as a religious pursuit; it’s necessary for anyone who wants to feel sane!  Forgiveness is a process of letting go, of releasing, of unburdening one’s self.  You may do it on your own, with a religious leader or with a therapist.  (I’m telling you, if you’re constantly overeating, losing weight and gaining it back, feeling guilty, shameful or not knowing what you’re feeling, it’s time to get a therapist to help you get through, get over, get past, get around, get unstuck.  And your mother/husband/friend/sister doesn’t count as a therapist!)

You deserve to feel good.  Perhaps that’s the starting point, the “A-ha” moment when real healing can begin.  And maybe at this point in your life you have to take that on faith because you’ve felt bad for so long or you’ve been convinced that misery, shame and discomfort are what you “deserve.”  Not true.  It is absolutely possible to get past the feelings of unworthiness, guilt, shame and loathing associated with what you eat and how you look.

May you be happy, healthy and free from your chains,

Regan

The problem comes when a person always or almost always eats in response to emotional hunger and/or when a person consistently eats beyond her satisfied or comfortably full level.  Having food as the only way to soothe emotions during difficult times is a recipe for an unhealthy and unnatural relationship with food and a battle with being overweight.

WHAT TO DO?

First, recognize that the food is the coping mechanism, not necessarily the problem. You don’t have a “food addiction” (uh, we all have a “food addiction.”  Wanting food is one thing that allows our species to exist) you have emotional stressors that you’re not dealing with/not recognizing are there/afraid to face/not able to face yet.  The emotions are there, you’re just doing a really bad job of covering them up.

Second, recognize that you don’t have a “fat” or “overweight” problem either.  If you’re an emotional eater, you’re not going to solve those emotional problems by losing weight.  It sounds so obvious when you read it, but anyone selling the latest diet product is trying to convince you that weight loss is going to fix those problems.  If you hate your job or are in an unhappy marriage, being thin isn’t going to fix it.  Remember, being overweight is a symptom that you’re eating in response to cues other than biological hunger.  It is not an indication that you are a bad/lazy/worthless person.

Third, recognize the emotions.  Factually, objectively look at what you’re feeling when you eat in response to emotions. Are you scared of a presentation you have to do at work?  Are you “bored” at work but actually dissatisfied with your career?  Do you need more affection from your spouse?  Are you angry at your children?  Are you lonely? Scared?  And remember this, “anxiety” is not an emotion.  Fear is an emotion. Happiness is an emotion.  Sadness is an emotion. Anger is an emotion.

How do you work through it?

You can sit with the emotion and just let it pass.  Don’t go for the potato chips or extra helping of meatloaf just yet, take a break and just feel what’s happening to you.  You can eat in a few minutes if you want to, but it’s pretty important to start recognizing what the uncomfortable feelings are that you’re eating in response to.  Just BE for a few minutes.

You can write down what you’re feeling/thinking/imagining.  When we talk about journaling, many people think they have to sit down, date the top of the page and then write really deep, inspiring, rambling entries.  Don’t try to do that, just jot down thoughts, words, sentences.  I keep a little notebook in my purse so when I’m overwhelmed by an emotion or thought, I can scratch it out.  Lots of times I end up scrawling a page or two, but just putting pen to paper provides a release and a way to identify my emotions.

You can exercise.  Really?  That sounds like such a “diet mentality” sort of thing to do. But you’re not going for a walk to burn calories or to strengthen your heart, you’re going to breathe and to get some of the anxiety and crabbiness worked out.  You know the old adage, “What a difference a day makes.”  Well, I’m convinced that there’s truth to, “What a difference a walk makes.”  Remember, physical activity doesn’t GET RID of the stressors, but it does lower the stress hormones that make us feel the need to fight or flight and it also knocks the stress down to size.

You can talk to someone whose job it is to listen to you.  For some people talking to a friend can work.  I find that I need a totally objective person whose job it is to just sit there and encourage me to spill my guts.  When I talk to friends about stuff I tend to just get myself even more worked up.  I know many people are leery about talking to a counselor or therapist, but for people who have chronic stress, are emotionally “jammed up” or are often the caretakers of other people, sometimes the only way through the emotional maze is by talking to a professional.  And the thing about a good therapist is that they don’t allow, much less encourage you to dwell on “crapola.”  It really isn’t the old Freudian, “Tell me about your mother” bit.

And finally, if you’re dealing with big scary issues like physical or sexual abuse or post-traumatic stress disorder, a therapist can be a lifesaver.  Sometimes you have to take a big leap of faith to start talking about the skeletons in the closets, but know you’ll be a healthier, happier person for it.

Remember, emotions are normal, don’t try to get rid of them or hide them in a bucket of ice cream.  Being frightened or nervous doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human.  Feeling angry doesn’t make you a bad person.  You have the ability to work through them without using food.

May you be happy, angry, sad, scared and live through it all,

Regan